Cash-rich Obama Buys Yahoo

From The Borowitz Report (Andy Borowitz) Yes, folks, it's satire, but hey, if I saw it in The Guardian, I'd believe it!

{Also --- just in (hush hush): Obama Stamps His Feet, Claps His Hands, and Announces to Hoards at Dallas Stadium: "THE PRIMARY IS OVER." After 15 minutes of cheering, the crowd took a break while a reporter asked Obama: "Who said so, oh Great One?" Obama answered, "I proclaimed and it is so." The hoards trampled one another to reach the stage. 176 people were injured, and several died, but then, Obama sneezed, and the cheering deafened Dallas, drowning out tv stations and creating an outage that's alarming the nuclear industry. Representatives of the nuclear industry were reportedly cheering in the wings.} --- CN


Cash-rich Obama Buys Yahoo
Outbids Microsoft for Internet Giant

Flush with cash after a deluge of online donations, Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill) stunned the business world today by outbidding Microsoft for the Internet giant Yahoo.

The purchase of Yahoo is believed to be the largest acquisition of a multibillion-dollar company ever by a Democratic presidential candidate, industry experts said.

A spokesman for Microsoft at the company’s Redmond, Washington headquarters acknowledged that the company was “disappointed” to lose Yahoo to Sen. Obama, but added, “We can’t really be mad at him, because we love him so.”

The news of Sen. Obama’s $48 billion offer for Yahoo sent a shudder through Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY)’s campaign, which for the past six weeks has been subsisting on Ramen noodles.

In his televised debate in Cleveland, Ohio with Sen. Clinton, Sen. Obama said that he was able to purchase Yahoo because his campaign was reaping online donations averaging $1.8 billion a day.

Mr. Obama also offered to “personally hire” 2 million Ohioans to do odd jobs around his campaign headquarters.

“People say, can we really come up with enough errands for 2 million Ohioans to do?” he said. “Yes we can.”

Massachusetts governor Deval Patrick praised Sen. Obama’s plan, telling reporters, “His campaign is more than just words, he is offering people a real opportunity to go on a Starbucks run.”

Sen. Obama later added, “My campaign is more than just words, I am offering people a real opportunity to go on a Starbucks run.”

Elsewhere, President Bush said that the economy was not in a recession, leading economists to conclude that the economy was in a recession.