Saturday, July 24, 2010
Dear Mr. Taylor,
I have just been retained to represent Ms. Lotta Screems. You may recall that she wrote to you about your product the Vibrolux/Clotomax Premiere Edition several months ago and you failed to respond to said communication.
I understand that you were arrested last week and are currently being held in premature house detention on charges of reckless womanslaughter (7,003 counts), email fraud (12,457 counts), unborn child molestation (3,673 counts), negligent virtual sodomy (I forget how many counts), and RICO (23,238 counts). Accordingly, I do not expect a response from you, and indeed have been informed that your 14 Macs and 19 PCs were seized and quarantined as evidence. But my client, understandingly, has unrequited, rightful retribution urges and has therefore requested most strenuously that I write to tell you she has every intention of suing you, in and out of prison or ankle bracelets or sanctuaries foreign and near, and in fact it is my obligation as an officer of the court to advise you that we have successfully garnished a your immodest bank account, anticipating your imminent attempt to transfer your assets to one of those money laundering countries inimical to the interests of law-abiding Americans.
Ms. Screems suffers from irreversible paralysis that struck her on May 14th. I am certain that you are well aware what caused this tragic condition; there is no need to elaborate at this point. Ms. Screems, a grandmother who can no longer work due to said disability, is confined to a substandard hospital, as she cannot afford a mediocre one. Her insurance company is refusing to cover her expenses, claiming that she knew what she was getting into when she used your product. They have also claimed that they do not cover medical conditions related to “female issues.” Accordingly, she must pay $549 per day for her shared room with 6 (without television). Ms. Screems's first medical bill totaled $8,900.00 (8 times the amount of taxes she paid the government in 2009). Needless to say, the doctors have done nothing but pat her hands, pinch her cheeks, order tests, and talk to the female nurses on the floor, who talk to each other when the doctors aren't around. The doctors are holding her “for observation.” She is growing yellow from malnutrition and is rapidly losing massive amounts of weight.
While my client expects no more remorse from you than that felt by Massey Energy Co. CEO Don Blankenship --who stated this week that he does not feel guilty about the Upper Big Branch mine disaster that killed 29 of his workers, and said he could not rule out another mining disaster because of the industry's inherent dangers-- a bouquet of pale pink geraniums would be a nice gesture.
Mada Gaff, Attorney at Law
Gaff, Geff, Goff, and Guff, Ltd.
674 Thornhill Way,
Scranton, Pa. 18505