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Monday, May 30, 2011

from Giraffes in Hiding: The Mythical Memoirs of Carol Novack

RATIONS BULLETIN: 56th Quadrant December 19th Update

To: Qualified Consumers:
From: Agitant Erwin B. Oleander
Southwest Northeast Regiment

As you must be aware, you still can only get one of them after a minimum
month’s wait and only if you have the right credentials (Refer to
RB August 7th). You must be patient; after all, the queue’s your choice.
But of course we all realize that every patriot has to have at least one of
them, and for very good reason. No wait is too long in the service of one’s

We repeat. You must have health insurance and sufficient insulation to
weather the elements. The Generals do not coddle. Emergency medical
services will not be provided. If you desire more than one of them, you
will have to apply three months in advance. There will be a thorough
background check. Choose your Region, Race and Gender and click
HERE. If you are not on the map, click THERE. You will have to choose
height, width, weight, color, gender, taste, voice, smell, texture, language,
sect, race, age, and education level. You may not get what you ask for.

All of the major quadrants have reported numerous incidents of queue
kill. Since August, the crime rate has been rising with the falling barometer.
Panic will not be tolerated. As always, exercise extreme caution.

Last week’s most grievous incidents are as follows:

Sunday: A Mr. N of XXX threw a tantrum that landed in Mme. Z’s
lap and started to bite. Mme. Z fell back loudly, upset Mr. C’s newspaper,
exposing headlines: War in Mesopotamia Begins: Untold Millions Flee.
Unreasonable reactions ensued. Thousands were shot as a reasonable precautionary
measure. Speaking in cognito, it is said that the President said
the “shocking actions” of the untold were “unpresidented.” Why would a
war in Mesopotamia upset my fellow Americans?

Tuesday: It has been alleged that one Ms. L. of BBB asked one Mrs. M of
DDD to hold her place behind Mrs. M while she slipped off to the fi eld of
the portable toilets. When Ms. L returned, Mrs. P of DDD was standing
behind Mrs. M and refused to step aside. Accusing Mrs. M of nepotistic
betrayal, Mrs. M retorted, in substance: I am not my sister’s keeper, and
you’re not my sister anyway, so fuck off. A Mr. T of FFF positioned himself
between Mrs. M and Ms. L and chided: Now, now, girls will be girls!
Whereupon Ms. L, Mrs. M, Mrs. P and seven unidentified ladies struck
Mr. T with umbrellas, causing fatal injuries. A riot ensued. The police used
reasonable force to intercede. 41 people were injured; 29 died, and several
ladies were arrested and quarantined. This incident is under investigation.
There are indications.

Thursday: An elderly man claiming to have been a senator of great renown
threw a copy of the former U.S. Constitution at General Bourbon
and his men, as they were inspecting the queue. The Constitution grazed
the General’s head; he was momentarily stunned but unharmed. His men
grabbed the elderly man and shot him on the spot. 26 bystanders were
shot, as well, as a reasonable precautionary measure. Authorities suspect
that the alleged former senator was a Mesopotamian terrorist, connected
to the Meso Soup network. He had a briefcase filled with Constitutions.
The quadrant bag inspectors were immediately arrested and quarantined,
awaiting interrogation.

Saturday: There were 88 casualties and 36 life-threatening injuries due to
slippages on ice, severe frostbite, fi stfights and assorted tantrums, the
police employing reasonable force to contain same. Extinct seal-skin snow
boots are highly recommended.

1 comment:

portable toilet guy said...

Wow, didn't get any of that though found it strangely entertaining.