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Monday, October 06, 2008

To change the subject: some serious advice to the lorn of love

From Loopy Lulu's advice column which ran in a local rag for a while till the publisher hired an editor who replaced current columnists with his friends and obviously wanted a serious advice columnist. I'm hunting for a position as a humor columnist, so this is part of my writing sample. I ran "Crazy Jane's Advice to the Lorn of Love" on Mad Hatters' Review for several issues. Before that, I published an "Experimental Astrology" Column. In issues 8 and 9 (our current issue, soon to be supplanted by 10), I created a "Better than Court TV" column. The entry in issue 8 was published in "The Legal Studies Forum."

So hey ... if anyone knows of a publisher looking to pay for a satirical version of an Ann Landers column, please head her/him in my direction!


Dear Loopy Lulu:

I joined a popular online dating site a few weeks ago and I posted a really great headshot of me that's about five years old, and also a bathing suit shot taken seven years ago, when I was size four. Since then, I've gained at least 20 pounds, so I'm now hovering on the edge of size eight, and I really feel gross. I lied about my current weight, of course. I also shaved five years off my age. I turned 50 a couple of months ago and all of a sudden I look it. Now I have a few guys who're real interesting and they want to meet me. I don't know what to do. I figure one look at me and they'll head out to door of whatever bar or restaurant we're supposed to meet at. I really don't know how to handle this! Should I tell them the truth before we meet or see what happens? I feel really dumb. I was married for 24 years and I feel I know nothing about men. Well, I guess I don't. Love of my life left me for a 19 year old three years ago. And she smokes! Yech!



Dear OTH:

Relax. Who tells the truth on personals sites? You think men who call themselves "average" in weight look anything less than four months' pregnant? Particularly if they're over 40? Over 40 (if they're telling the truth) in most cases means prone to belly bulge, whether the guy drinks beer or not. But do you think they state their real age? Ha!

Lulu can tell you from personal dating experience, having met a few dozen "average" guys who could sink a u-boat, no problem. And the weird thing is they don't think they're fat. Why? Because the fat guys in recent western world history have fared a hell of a lot better than the fat girls. And money means more than lard when you're a guy. Look at Oprah, for example --- not that she's fat. The point is that matter how popular and rich she is, she's always on a diet trying to get skinny. No matter how many programs she airs about bulimics, anorectics, the limitless variety of women with pathetic self-images, she's trying to look like what's her name who just had a baby and divorced what's his name while she was on the set of that movie about what's her name and you can't tell she was pregnant cause she's size two. Imagine Kathy Bates (who isn't fat either) as a romantic heroine a la Nicole what's her name.

The thing is: after all that feminism and post feminism and post post feminism, followed by the inevitable anti feminism (think Jaylo Haylo and Dayglo), we women still think we look awful even when we don't. We still think we're "overweight" even when we look malnourished. And when our corporeal essences appear to be padded, as women's bodies are prone to be, we panic and give up crème brulées. And we think okay, a guy can have a gut, even a big gut and a wide butt too, but he's a guy, so I can get beyond the lard. But he won't. He'll notice my lard the minute he sees me and he'll realize then and there he forgot he had a meeting with his stockbroker, or maybe he'll get a pre-arranged call from his brother Harvey, really his best buddy Harvey, to tell him that mother just had a stroke or a heart attack. Always good to have an escape clause, these moronic guys think. Or maybe he'll see you waiting at the café, panic when he sees your double chin quivering over your turkey neck, and bolt before you can appraise his butt. Well, isn't that what you're thinking, Over the Hill? Maybe you should get a facelift, but it's too expensive?

Life is tough, my dear. You should know that by your age. I knew that by the time I was 14 and my parents threw me out onto the streets. But it's all a matter of attitude. Tell yourself you're absolutely gorgeous and chances are your date will agree with you, particularly if he's over 55, extremely far-sighted, and can't afford quality prescription lenses. Or if he's emotionally mature and loves/loved his mother, not too much, but just enough. Which brings me to your criteria, my dear. You should be looking for guys over 67, with enough income to take you out to fattening restaurants every weekend. Many of them appreciate a woman of 50. They'll be ecstatic to date you and treat you in the manner to which they would like you to become accustomed. Of course, they'll say they're 57 and won't post photos. But do you care about superficial factors like age and weight? Of course not!

Happy Days!

Loopy Lulu

1 comment:

Stephen Ellis said...

Why do women overlook men's flab, anyway? I don't get it. I "like" men, but I never overlook their fat. Ugh. So I'm wondering why women do, since, because they don't, and I do, it makes me feel less like the woman I strive to be. Well . . . you know what I mean. Middle aged bellies in summer heat. Even iced tea with a sprig of mint on the back deck in the white enameled deck chairs of some otherwise sweet guy's semi-rural paradisiacal home doesn't make it, if his body is equally a blurb for the so-called plenitudes of God. It almost makes me want to pray . . . and DOES make me want to run, when the shirts go open, when the pants come down.