Experimental Astrology by Saturnika

Experimental Astrology
by Saturnika
(column in Issue 3 of Mad Hatters' Review)



Fall/Spring Forecast
(Fall for Up; Spring for Down, from a global perspective, of course)

Dear Fall/Spring sun signs and curious others with Ascendants or Moons in Virgo, Libra, or Scorpio, and of course all sorts of others without any planets anywhere:

Expect to experience recurrent fits of overwhelming nostalgia and existential angst as both Fall and Spring tend to remind us of the unavoidable passage of time, imminence of Death and all that. You will be tempted to dwell in the Past, focusing on your tender Youth, which you'll romanticize to the point of boring poor sots within hearing distance of your mawkish monologues. Those of you who experienced horrendous childhoods will feel understandably sorry for yourselves; expect to cry a lot and depress your friends and loved ones.

'tis a season to avoid discussions about Thanatos, as you're already metaphysically so to speak dead, particularly you Scorpions. Most of you Librans are too unconsciously unbalanced to realize you're dead. You Virgins are almost always in the Perpetual House of Denial. In any event, you should all do your best to postpone your demise into Not-Darkness Not-Light till the days grow long in your tooth. This is an inopportune time to expire, as gregarious Jupiter will be sleeping with Venus in his bunker (the old goddess really does get around!) in the Fourth House and the season will be lonely, despite the proliferance of nuclear apple picking excursions and riotous Halloween parties to which you haven't been invited. So if you die this season, nobody's going to take any notice. A pity.

To be perfectly honest, as is Saturnika's wont, this is not a terrific time to cultivate new friends or lovers, unless you're extremely perceptive about human nature. Common fools, obnoxiously mad persons, psychotic religious fanatics, new age guru and witch wannabes, tsunamis and neo-con artists abound with ferocity as explosive Uranus sits indolently without grace on Moon's delicate face while Mars occupies himself with impotent anti-war protests. This is the Age of Dementia, Aquarius standing with difficulty on her head, compelled to survive on a diet of acid rain, Wendy burgers, and mercury, and don't forget it. If you think things will get better, that this is all a mere Hegelian cycle thingo whatever, it's time to re-read Sartre, Camus, Kafka, and Gibbons's Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire. And let's not forget Dorothy Parker and Buffy Saint-Marie.

On the bright side, a new, habitable planet will be discovered early next year and various and sundry imperialistic invasions will ameliorate the world population, along with epileptic fits of Mother Nature. In regard to the discovery of the new planet, Caveat Emptor, immigration policies will be liberal only to homo saps who provide convincing evidence of their care and love for this planet. And the solar airfare will be affordable.

Now to get to the specifics, because you're all interested in wonderful, glorious, demented YOU:

VIRGOS: You dear petty insufficiently appreciated seemingly selfless servers of the populace will alarm your colleagues by bursting into tears at 4 pm each workday. You will tell them someone close to you has just died because you're too embarrassed to own the fact that your tedious job is boring you silly and you've suddenly lost the meaning of your life, whatever that was. You will also shock everyone by swearing when your boss gives you something idiotic to do, which is all the time, and you will feel that you may not be capable of taking it anymore. You will have incontrollable impulses (hitherto unknown to you on a conscious level) to shoot everyone in your government agency for perpetuating sick myths. Lucky you don't have a firearm, eh? All this aberrant behavior is due to Neptunian illusions (the god of the Unconscious is wooing Venus at an inopportune time) and Uranus is acting out, which will cast a sickly metallic shadow on your Sun. You will not understand yourself; you've never rebelled before, even when that bully Harold rammed worms down your throat and your father Igor beat you for swallowing them. You will be forced to reflect, dear Virgin, reflect, not introspect. If you don't know how to reflect, I suggest you do the Google, but watch out for neo-Buddhists, Pat Anderson fans and Shirley Maclaine followers. They will only make things worse. Also—don't mistake reflection for introspection. If you do, you'll be cycling like crazy up steep highways of loose stones, highways cluttered with sleeping lions and dying goats.. And don't bother paying therapists. The situation will not be chronic for most of you. Those of you with ascending Fish might do well to seek professional help.

The good news for most of you is that this uncharacteristically expressive behavioral pattern will pass after Halloween, when your Sun will be released from the weight of Saturn, Neptune will give up on Venus and Uranus will calm down. At that point, you will return to your usual routines without complaint, but you will have learned something, one would hope. Saturn's like that.

LIBRANS: You darling and charming emotionally vacant Librans can be quite the control freaks, with your cornucopias of insecurities. Do your best to refrain from expressing your overwhelming desire to possess your lovers, lest they flee in horror from behavioral manifestations of severe jealousy and envy. You will feel particularly vulnerable the week before and after Halloween, when specters of lost lovers are due to hover about your bedroom, enumerating past acts of your unconscious cruelty. Your ruler Venus will be no help to you whatsoever; she's retrograding in your First House. You will wallow in guilt from October 15th through November 13th, as stern Saturn takes jabs at your Iddish (no, this is not a typo --- I did not mean "Yiddish") Sun, and Neptune pokes his triton into your dreams. Use the guilt wisely to mend your ways. As I've suggested to Virgins, this is a season for reflection, as the light begins to wane earlier and earlier, like Youth. This is a season of shadows, no matter where you are. And you must always be aware that "balance" is actually extremely difficult for Librans, in this Age of Dementia.

You would do well to concern yourself with planetary problems and focus on natural resources rather than lovers, who always disappoint you anyway. Write to your political buffoons, organize protests, and make wall hangings out of organic sheep. With your Sun in the Fourth House, this would also be a good time to concentrate on home improvement if you have a home. If not, rearrange your box and decorate it with confetti thrown at weddings in public parks. Your aesthetic sense is keen. Take up an instrument like the kazoo and comb the streets for forgotten pieces of art. Make collages. Collages are fun!

The good news for most of you (those without Aries ascendants), artistes in particularly, is that once these planetary influences have had their sway, you will rush headlong with no inhibitions into a sea of creativity, as Neptune dances the two-step with your Moon.

SCORPIONS: You dear, dark, vengeful, shockingly nasty yet generally quite entertaining and talented Scorpions will have a tough time with sex this season. Your attempts to masque your perverse, fearful and fateful attraction to Thanatos by drowning yourself in fruity carnality (Eros) will fail miserably, leading to an intolerable state of depression and self-doubt, which is no good whatsoever for your delicate physical health, not to mention your complex psychic health. So STAY AWAY FROM SEX! Also stay away from relatives and old friends in nursing homes, despite your boasts about your capacity to deal with death. You've never been adept at understanding yourself or dealing with others without criticizing every move they make.

From September 31st through November 15th, you should avoid parties and oysters. Indeed, this is a good time to curb drastically your extravagant diet. Fish (other than sole) and red meat will exacerbate the tensions between you and yourself (i.e., the conflict between Thanatos and Eros). Eschew flounder in particular. I recommend rutabagas, radishes, pomegranates, bitter herbs, dry vermouth, and insect repellent. A multi-organic compound of prehistoric anti-toxins is also de rigueur.

Curb your sham-self-centric fear of what others are saying about you and don't alienate good friends by lashing out at them unfairly when you feel they've attacked you. Circumspection is challenging but possible, even for a Scorpion, with great effort. Do a Google and reflect. This will be difficult for you with Mars squatting illegally in the hood of your Sun, but do try. Otherwise, you'll end up alienating those who've put up with you for years despite your fits of misplaced fear and poorly targeted anger.

The good news for all of you without bullish ascendants and water bearing moons: you'll shed pounds and toxins, which will render you undeniably alluring to the 99th "great lover" in your life, poor victim of Paris Hilton-Britney Spears fashion tastes. If you're very careful with your nails, however, this particular schmuck could turn out to be THE ONE.

Readers may send comments, including objections and words of praise, as well as requests for personal astrological forecasts, to madhattersreview@gmail.com, Subject line: Saturnika. Comments may be published and are subject to expert cross-examination.

Driving School Questions & Answers

According to bizarrenews, the following are a sampling of REAL answers received on written exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-
way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker
saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for
drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could
no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being
passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic
light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

To change the subject: some serious advice to the lorn of love

From Loopy Lulu's advice column which ran in a local rag for a while till the publisher hired an editor who replaced current columnists with his friends and obviously wanted a serious advice columnist. I'm hunting for a position as a humor columnist, so this is part of my writing sample. I ran "Crazy Jane's Advice to the Lorn of Love" on Mad Hatters' Review for several issues. Before that, I published an "Experimental Astrology" Column. In issues 8 and 9 (our current issue, soon to be supplanted by 10), I created a "Better than Court TV" column. The entry in issue 8 was published in "The Legal Studies Forum."

So hey ... if anyone knows of a publisher looking to pay for a satirical version of an Ann Landers column, please head her/him in my direction!

_______

Dear Loopy Lulu:

I joined a popular online dating site a few weeks ago and I posted a really great headshot of me that's about five years old, and also a bathing suit shot taken seven years ago, when I was size four. Since then, I've gained at least 20 pounds, so I'm now hovering on the edge of size eight, and I really feel gross. I lied about my current weight, of course. I also shaved five years off my age. I turned 50 a couple of months ago and all of a sudden I look it. Now I have a few guys who're real interesting and they want to meet me. I don't know what to do. I figure one look at me and they'll head out to door of whatever bar or restaurant we're supposed to meet at. I really don't know how to handle this! Should I tell them the truth before we meet or see what happens? I feel really dumb. I was married for 24 years and I feel I know nothing about men. Well, I guess I don't. Love of my life left me for a 19 year old three years ago. And she smokes! Yech!

OVER THE HILL

_____


Dear OTH:

Relax. Who tells the truth on personals sites? You think men who call themselves "average" in weight look anything less than four months' pregnant? Particularly if they're over 40? Over 40 (if they're telling the truth) in most cases means prone to belly bulge, whether the guy drinks beer or not. But do you think they state their real age? Ha!

Lulu can tell you from personal dating experience, having met a few dozen "average" guys who could sink a u-boat, no problem. And the weird thing is they don't think they're fat. Why? Because the fat guys in recent western world history have fared a hell of a lot better than the fat girls. And money means more than lard when you're a guy. Look at Oprah, for example --- not that she's fat. The point is that matter how popular and rich she is, she's always on a diet trying to get skinny. No matter how many programs she airs about bulimics, anorectics, the limitless variety of women with pathetic self-images, she's trying to look like what's her name who just had a baby and divorced what's his name while she was on the set of that movie about what's her name and you can't tell she was pregnant cause she's size two. Imagine Kathy Bates (who isn't fat either) as a romantic heroine a la Nicole what's her name.

The thing is: after all that feminism and post feminism and post post feminism, followed by the inevitable anti feminism (think Jaylo Haylo and Dayglo), we women still think we look awful even when we don't. We still think we're "overweight" even when we look malnourished. And when our corporeal essences appear to be padded, as women's bodies are prone to be, we panic and give up crème brulées. And we think okay, a guy can have a gut, even a big gut and a wide butt too, but he's a guy, so I can get beyond the lard. But he won't. He'll notice my lard the minute he sees me and he'll realize then and there he forgot he had a meeting with his stockbroker, or maybe he'll get a pre-arranged call from his brother Harvey, really his best buddy Harvey, to tell him that mother just had a stroke or a heart attack. Always good to have an escape clause, these moronic guys think. Or maybe he'll see you waiting at the café, panic when he sees your double chin quivering over your turkey neck, and bolt before you can appraise his butt. Well, isn't that what you're thinking, Over the Hill? Maybe you should get a facelift, but it's too expensive?

Life is tough, my dear. You should know that by your age. I knew that by the time I was 14 and my parents threw me out onto the streets. But it's all a matter of attitude. Tell yourself you're absolutely gorgeous and chances are your date will agree with you, particularly if he's over 55, extremely far-sighted, and can't afford quality prescription lenses. Or if he's emotionally mature and loves/loved his mother, not too much, but just enough. Which brings me to your criteria, my dear. You should be looking for guys over 67, with enough income to take you out to fattening restaurants every weekend. Many of them appreciate a woman of 50. They'll be ecstatic to date you and treat you in the manner to which they would like you to become accustomed. Of course, they'll say they're 57 and won't post photos. But do you care about superficial factors like age and weight? Of course not!


Happy Days!

Loopy Lulu